Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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