I faked an abortion last night.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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