I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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