god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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