your thong is hanging out like whoa
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
