I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
