I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
