That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
