Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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