He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
