I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
