HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
