So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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