I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
