OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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