in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
