you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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