I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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