every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
