drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
