dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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