Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
