Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Randomize
