My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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