So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
