i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
