Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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