Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
