new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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