you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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