the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
