There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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