Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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