You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
