Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
