I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
