i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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