Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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