I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
