dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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