like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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