just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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