sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
