Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
