someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
