i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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