I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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