she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
jump out the window naked night went bad
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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