You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
