i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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