Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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