If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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