my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
