the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
