my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
