he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
