I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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