i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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