I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
