i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
