dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
