Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
