maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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